successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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