I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
