I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I need water and some morals
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
