how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
