I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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