Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
