we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
