He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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