Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
