Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
