Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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