Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
