I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Randomize
