Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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