youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Randomize
