Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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