i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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