So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
