seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
