Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
