You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
