i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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