i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
