Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
it's like heaven, but drunker
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
