Please, let me fuck your mom
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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