worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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