I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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