Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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