I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
