Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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