god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
