smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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