I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
