sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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