he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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