I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
Best friends brother. Beat that.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
