I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
