Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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