i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
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