sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize