You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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