can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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