You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
dude. I can hear the air.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
