Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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