I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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