Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
