You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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