The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
