Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
