Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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