I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
this just has baby written all over it
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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