I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
i now understand why vodka
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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