I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Randomize
