just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
