It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
We're too hungover to prance.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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