Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
