I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
