We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
